I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
I'm too high and old for this...
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
