Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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