I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
Randomize
