I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
