If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
Even my vagina gasped.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
