I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Very interesting. Let's just say I got home last night and threw up, found a joint in my bra, and woke up naked in my bed
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
