It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Randomize
