Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
