dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I need to wash the frat house off of me
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
As a gentleman whose genital hole is relatively small, you could imagine my reaction
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Randomize
