You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
i decided not to call her again when she started singing "goodbye my lover" as i was walking out the door..
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
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