I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
Little spoons don't ask big questions
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
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