After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Idk I somehow continue to get laid by pulling my dick out and reciting the 3 world country orphan kid commercials
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
hey, i didnt think i could be this stupid either but you dont see ME getting all judgemental about it
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