alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
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