I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
Randomize
