I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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