Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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