I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
Randomize
