Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Shotgunned a beer while taking a bath.
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
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