best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
