a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
well, if it gives you any insight into how crazy it was, i am currently wikipediaing "anullment"
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
He's a Republican and an Ohio State fan idk how far this can go.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
