I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
We don't really communicate like that.
Communicate like what?
Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize