Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Mines from giving head on hardwood floors.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Boobs speak an international language.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
