The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
Dude..masurbate with cocoa butter lotion..its like cocoa pebbles just gave me a hand job
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Randomize
