I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Last time we had a party like that I woke up naked on the pool table with a chalk outline around me and a empty bottle of jager duct taped to my hand.
Yea. I'm excited about this party too
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
