Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
