We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
