he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
Randomize
