Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
Yea. But u kept saying "as long as she doesn't have aids" so I was concerned
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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