im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
We're gonna have to check the security cameras after last night
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
