I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
There's nothing more awkward than going on a beer run with 3 ten year olds....teacher of the year right here!
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
