I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
You were dancing around the clubbing yelling "best wingman ever" and raising your cast in the air
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
