Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
You were so drunk that you were trying to take pictures of a MILF at the park so you could send them to Adam, but you didn't want to "seem creepy," so you used taking pictures of her son as a cover. Needless to say, cops were called.
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
I FOUND THE LEGS
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
