By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
we fucked in the backseat of my car at the observatory, right under the stars. it was a starry, orgasmic filled night
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
True college students do jello shots in the library
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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