so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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