No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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