Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
