dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
why do cheetos always look like penises
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I feel as if some line has been crossed, but only in this vague, WTF sort of way.
just yelled CURVEBALL at my nightie because it turned out to be a pair of shorts
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
