Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke
if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.
so you admit it was good then??
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
