WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Randomize
