i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
