If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
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