her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
