I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
he is so annoying
so stop sleeping with him
yeah but he is so hot when i'm drunk
Does your throat ever get sore from being choked too hard or do u think I'm just getting sick??
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
