My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
All I remember is that I was trying to call my wolf pack by howling.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize