every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
i googled "where to have sex in disneyland." i found nothing.
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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