nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
The dicks good but it's not two trains and a bus good.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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