I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
WHY IS EVERY MAN IN THIS CITY GAY? IS IT SO BAD TO WANT TO BE TREATED LIKE A PIECE OF SHIT BY A REALLY HOT STRAIGHT MAN FOR A NIGHT?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Randomize
