So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
Holy hangover, going dancing with family good idea, taking the last shot with the transvestite bar owner not so much...
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Randomize
