I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
Randomize
