I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
I woke up and the only 2 bowls I own were shattered on my floor. Pretty sure my hand and tailbone are broken and I have no idea what the fuck happened
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Randomize
