Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
a search helicopter?!
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
Glad I can drunkenly remember to not get tomatoes on my Mexican pizza but can't tell a guy to keep his hands off my ass
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
Randomize
