last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex
wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh
i drank out of a bidet.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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