C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
I will pee on everything he values.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
