I sk at the spereo and my dad gave me and all access pass
what???
AN ALL ACCESS PASSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
