Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
She tied me to her bed using her honor chords. Thank god for graduation!
Randomize
