apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
I was told I look like trouble once and that was by a fireman at the sex show. I was carrying two beers and a penis pinata.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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