omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
Randomize
