the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
