probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
He pulled a condom out of his satchel and i questioned my entire life.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize